Stepping Into My New Identity

I've been super quiet for a long while and this blog entry will explain some of it.

I've gone through a transformation that started in 2013, but it was much slower & more gradual. This time round my transformation was/is sooo... much quicker & way more intense. So much guidance has come through allowing me to simply trust, be in flow & feel everything that comes up and watch it flow through me.

It has been an extremely intense time for me & I was hypersensitive to energies. I couldn't even jump on to social media to simply check in. I would feel everything. I also couldn't do my energy (oracle & defense of the dark arts) work. I couldn't be a clear channel for anyone because I was dealing with so much of my own stuff.

For a while I've been feeling that my old identity was no longer fitting. I was even wondering whether I needed to change my name... You know the saying "change your name, change you game". And then I was gifted a 4-month long course, Creation Code Initiate Programme by Ariella Juno Indigo, my business couch. I didn't fully understand what the course was about, except to learn more about my Soul Blueprint and how to embrace it and transform the challenge/shadow aspects to gifts of gold.

And then month 2 started... It was all about purification. This is when the intensity started. The purging of emotions that I had buried so deep down that I didn't even realise was there. This month was extremely powerful. At the beginning it wasn't as intense, but as the Full Moon approached both intense emotional & physical symptoms manifested. During the Full Moon I performed a ceremony that was part of the course & there was lots of letting go. I felt much lighter, completely supported & excited about the possibilities/opportunities/changes that would present itself, allowing me to grow and evolve. I was mentally & physically exhausted & made sure I took things slow and rested as much as possible. I am so grateful for the great people that were holding space for me during this time.

During the following month I was guided to do a performance art piece at a specific location in nature. I received information in bits and pieces, but with a lot of detail. The performance piece was a shamanic ceremony at the beach led by a Shaman, Daphne Chonon (Daphne Williams). It was to help me say thank you and goodbye to my old self and step into my new identity, the Free-Spirited Warrior Woman that I am. It was a unique ceremony because it was not a traditional ceremony. The ceremony was created from the guidance that both Daphne & I received. It was extremely powerful. I could feel an immediate shift. But I didn't realise the massive impact it would have on me afterwards. Somehow, a few days after the ceremony it didn't feel like I had fully stepped into my new identity. I asked for guidance and received some interesting information. I needed to get some new clothing, makeup (natural of course 😉) & a tattoo (my first). The details followed. I completely trusted and followed the guidance.

For the clothing journey I received extremely specific instructions. And this was a difficult one, since I completely let go of what I thought I wanted. I went shopping on 24 March 2021 with my pendulum to make sure I allowed myself to be guided and not merely end up getting what I was used to. I kept an open mind. Once I got home, I tried on the clothes (because of Covid restrictions) & I absolutely loved the clothes. I would never have chosen some of the items, but it is just so me! I could immediately feel a shift in me.

The make-up was an interesting one. I ordered it online & once it arrived, I used the nail polish first. I realised that I really enjoy having colour on my nails every now & then. It doesn’t really work when I work with clay. Painting my nails are part of my creative expression, so I've fully embraced it. I was so worried that I’d be judged by the spiritual community. I use natural products and also felt that I wasn’t worth the cost of these products. These products are generally more expensive than the alternative toxin lased options. However, getting the make-up & wearing it every now & then feels amazing. It doesn’t change who I am, but it makes me celebrate who I am and confirms that I am worth all the abundance in my life & that I no longer need to hide this from others. I have always been able to easily manifest things. I believe that this has to do with the fact that I practice gratitude. It’s something that’s always come naturally to me. This meant that I always had abundance in my life in many different forms. However, I was too sensitive to people’s reactions towards my abundance ever since I was little & chose to play small. This often meant hiding my abundance or stepping back when opportunities presented itself, so that others could use it instead. I felt guilty for my “good fortune” … my abundance, especially while living in a country that struggles with extreme poverty and economic imbalance. I couldn’t understand how I could accept and celebrate my abundance while others were lacking it. This meant that I unhealthily shared my abundance with others and forgot to share these gifts with myself. It has been a journey, and sometimes these old limiting believes still surface, but I now know that I am entitled to abundance, just like all beings are. The abundance I share is now done in a healthier, more balanced, heart-based way. And there are no more feelings of guilt. I’m grateful for all the abundance in my life. When I speak about abundance, I include all forms of abundance, yes financial & material abundance is included. That’s only a portion of it. There is love in many forms, connection, support, etc. These are for & from Source, my loving & supportive husband, my beautiful fur kids, my family & friends, my tribe, the nurturing produce that comes into my life to nurture and support my family & I, our beautiful planet, people, animals, trees, all beings everywhere, the water & electricity supplied to our home, being able to have a comfortable bed … The list is endless. Accepting my abundance has helped me to accept an aspect of me that I was ashamed of for most of my life.

The tattoo journey was/is a totally unexpected, powerful journey. I am finally busy getting my first tattoo. I’ve always wanted tattoos ever since I was a little girl and saw the tattoos on the Maori players in the All-Blacks rugby team. There was a time in my late teens or early 20’s when I considered getting a tattoo, but I was worried about having the ink in my body. I didn’t know about the toxins back then, but somehow that’s what I felt. Then I completely forgot about it and recently (in March 2021) the thought started popping into my head. While working on my performance footage & images another thought popped into my head, "Google non-toxic tattoos". I live in a small town and only found places in Cape Town and Johannesburg. So, I put the thought on the back burner, thinking that maybe I need to wait until I travel to one of these cities in the future and I didn't know what the tattoo needed to look like anyway. But to my surprise I was guided to a local tattoo artist, which I was excited about. Based on the guidance I received the tattoo had to be a dragon. I was feeling lost. Where to start… What kind of dragon, its position, where should the focus be...? I had too many unanswered questions, so I decided to meditate & dowse. I was guided to Pinterest and found a dragon that I resonated with and another which colours I resonated with. Yes, according to guidance it had to be a colour tattoo! I was excited… But then fear started creeping in. I knew I needed to push through so the next day, 24 March 2021, I went to the tattoo parlour. I met the artist and discussed my request with him. He said that he would like to modify the design and make it his own. I agreed, I knew that the dragons I presented wasn’t exactly what I needed, and I didn’t want to copy someone else’s artwork. He also mentioned that he would be able to complete the tattoo in 7 hours, maybe a little more, but he’d definitely finish it on the same day. When I needed to pay the deposit, they told me that they only accept cash. I generally don’t carry large amounts of cash with me. There was no ATM close-by, so I walked to the closest mall (not using my car), only to find that my card had been blocked from withdrawing cash for some arbitrary reason, some administration that I needed to sort out at the bank. Something that had slipped my mind. The other account that I had was my business account & I couldn’t even remember when last I paid myself & even when I did it was very little. Everything I received I invested back into the business. But this was a test. Was I ready & did I really want to step fully into my new identity? I was so ready for it and even though it meant walking further than I had expected I walked to another mall where they had an ATM for my business account. I withdrew the money and took it as payment for some of the work I’ve put into the business. I deserved it. Eventually I got back to the tattoo parlour adrenaline pumping, nervous & excited. As soon as I paid the deposit & confirmed my appointment for 8 April 2021 the nervousness disappeared, and a soothing calmness enveloped me.

The day finally arrived. I used the time before the appointment to do more tattoo research, especially with regards to aftercare and healing. The procedure should have been completed in a day, but my skin became extremely sensitive even though the tattoo artist gave my back loads of breaks to help ease my skin’s discomfort. Eventually, 5 – 6 hours later the tattoo artist recommended we stop and rather give my skin a break and book another session. I couldn't understand why & was a little disappointed but accepted it. In hindsight I get it now.

I went home with my aftercare instructions, which I followed meticulously. However, the tattoo artist, not understanding my lifestyle, recommended the use of coconut oil because I preferred to use natural products. This is the same information I found when I did my research. The problem with this is that I used extra virgin coconut oil, not knowing that I needed to use a pharmaceutical grade (processed coconut oil). Apparently extra virgin coconut oil has some impurities in it. It's great to eat or use on intact skin, but not on an open wound. And a tattoo is an open wound. I never picked this up when I did my research and that's how it had to happen. I have an extremely high pain threshold and throughout the first week I assumed that the pain was part of the healing process. I was in excruciating pain. I did research during this week regarding infected tattoos and the images I found looked so much worse than mine. I even checked in with my guidance as to whether I should get it checked out. The guidance said NO. I channelled healing energies to my tattoo every morning & evening and this is most probably the reason why it didn't get too bad. My tattoo also felt more at ease after these sessions. When I meditated, I focused on the pain that came from the tattoo and images & thoughts of past traumas, especially related to childhood hospitalisation and operations, surfaced and I felt every bit of it and allowed it to flow through me as a cried, letting go of it. This is such a powerful way to heal and transform. I know that this is one of the reasons for the infected tattoo. I also know that I manifested it. For a while before this experience, I asked Mother-Father God / The Universe / the Unlimited Light of Divine Source to help my higher self to fully embody my physical body (vessel) and thanks to this infected tattoo I had never been this present & grounded in my life. As a child I spent a lot of time in hospitals and really enjoyed my stays in the hospital, but I know that I would leave my body to escape the intense pain. But not this time round. I stayed and felt everything and dealt with everything that it brought to my attention. When our bodies are experiencing discomfort (dis-ease) it is because it has a message for us and if we don't listen it starts speaking louder & louder. If we don't listen it eventually starts screaming, simply to get our attention. We are magnificent and extremely powerful beings and we've simply forgotten who we are. Even though it was an emotional & physically intense week, I also received more clarity regarding the new artwork that’s in the planning phase. I found a new way to wear my scarfs as tops which made me look more like a warrior woman and I had an interview with a reporter from our local newspaper allowing me the opportunity to simply speak my truth. She needed a picture of me & I felt that the profile pictures that I had no longer resonated with the new me. So, I set-up my camera on its tripod and using the timer had my own photoshoot, make-up & all. It was so much fun, trying different angles, playing with lighting, etc. I also had a wonderful meeting with the beautiful curators that I work with. On top of all of this I had beautiful experiences with higher vibrational beings, bringing me comfort, messages, and letting me know that I’ll get through this.

A week after my first tattoo session I went for a check-up and the tattoo artist recommended that I get an antibacterial ointment from the pharmacy and use it for a week. Again, he sent me off with detailed instructions. In this moment I realised how much I'd grown. In 2018 I had an extremely bad cut & according to my medical homeopath I should have gone to a hospital to get stitches at the time, but I didn't because I didn't want to use allopathic medication. I also only ended up at the medical homeopath, because my foot started turning blue and I had severe pins & needles in my foot. Now in 2021 I understand the benefits of allopathic medication when needed. Homeopathic remedies would not help me as quickly in this situation and the ointment might affect the ink, plus I already knew which emotional things I was dealing with.

The following day I spent a lot of time in meditation, connecting to the pain and discomfort and speaking to my tattoo. The first thing I saw was a blue flame in the shape of a tiny dragon (a dragon baby) and this is when I knew that this tattoo experience was part of an initiation. An initiation to step into the powerful being that I am and to no longer play small. How awesome! A few days after this I received an invitation to be on Mona Naidoo’s Live Facebook show in her private community. What was interesting was that when she interviewed me a few weeks later, it was published on all her pages and was made public for some arbitrary reason. I guess, I was meant to stop hiding the woo woo (supernatural) part of me. It was such a fun way to come out of hiding. In general, I also noticed that I started sharing more supernatural and spiritual aspects of my artwork during this period. Before, I’d limit what I’d share with the public and allow the viewer to come to their own conclusions. I was ready to share all aspects of me and allow myself to show my vulnerabilities. It had become easier to simply be me.

There’s much work to be done and playing small will keep me back from serving my soul purpose.

I also noticed after dealing with all my own stuff that I would do things that wasn’t me. I had asked many times whether I had intrusive energy attached to me and kept on receiving the answer that I was clear. However, it still felt like I had intrusive energies attached. It was confirmed when I found myself watching an extremely violent movie. This is not something I can stomach. I immediately remembered that if I ask 3 times, whichever energy I speak to had to reveal the truth. It was confirmed that I had picked up intrusive energies. I had been doing my energy management & protection, but I needed to assist these energies to transition to a place where they could be assisted. A place where they could be supported on their journey. I also had a contract to help the soul that I had picked these intrusive energies up from. I am so blessed that I could be of service to these energies/souls. What a wonderful gift. It is so interesting that when I was a child, I feared these things and shut myself down from it, only to realise much later that I was a sovereign being like all of us and that these were gifts helping me to serve my soul purpose.

Just before my second tattoo session I received guidance that I had an allergic reaction to one of the inks that were used. There was an infection, but it was minor compared to the allergic reaction. I was guided to dowse in front of everyone in the tattoo parlour to determine which one of the inks caused the allergic reaction and should not be used on my skin. This would be a first for me. I was extremely nervous. The ink was immediately identified. My second tattoo session and the tattoo artist, now more aware of my sensitive skin, noticed that one of the products he used on my skin was starting to cause a rash. He started using a different product, but my skin was already extremely sensitive. More than usual. Not long after we started there was a power outage. Not much work was done. I was a little disappointed, since I had my heart set on the tattoo being completed, but I was relieved since the pain was excruciating this time round. My skin felt tender and bruised. The tattoo artist that worked on me is extremely sensitive and even checked every single detail of my aftercare regime to make sure we were not missing anything. He advised that I used filter water instead of normal tap water to wash my tattoo. OMG! It was the best advice ever. When I washed the tattoo after removing the protective wrapping and washed it, it did not burn like the first time. It was actually very soothing, even when I washed it with soap and filter water the following morning. He also told me not to add any coconut oil on the first day after the tattoo session. It made a huge difference. He told me that waiting for an hour after washing the tattoo, before adding coconut oil was enough for the tattoo to dry completely. I followed this at first, but then something felt off. I checked in with my higher self & realised that since I drink so much of water (ever since I can remember), I have a lot more moisture in my skin than most people and East London is generally humid. So, I listened to my own guidance. I started trusting myself more and I'm also more patient.

A few days later it was time for tattoo session 3, but due to the portion that was worked on before the power outage that was still healing the tattoo couldn’t be completed.

Session four was the most recent one. We had thought that this would be the final session. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. A lot of the tattoo had to be reworked, since a lot of the ink had leached. It was just how my skin was healing. I was cursing towards the end of the session and shaking with pain, but I wanted to get it done. The pain had been getting worse with each session. However, the artist most probably needed another hour or so to complete the tattoo when there was a power outage. I accepted it for what it was. I was convinced that this would be the last session since the visions I’d seen of the dragon the day before was so vivid, detailed and up-close. I know that I can’t see the bigger picture, so I’ll be patient and try not to have any expectations. This is also a way to live my life.

A lot of work has been done on the dragon. She is absolutely gorgeous, majestic and powerful. It is amazing to see her taking shape. She has told me that she has a name, but I’m not ready for it. So, without expecting to know a name, I am simply connecting to her energy as she merges with me & helps me to awaken the dragon/serpent energy within me. This time the healing of the tattoo is easier than it’s ever been, and I believe it has to do with the fact that I have no expectations. I am also not trying to fix/heal it, but I’ve simply settled into the journey.

My tattoo journey that was supposed to be 1 session long with 2 weeks of healing is now already more than 6 weeks long (including 19 hours of tattooing) and there’s more to go.

This process has also shown me that I have limitations, I am courageous, compassionate, sovereign, I see the good despite imperfections, I communicate openly, and I can be in the now (fully present)!

I am extremely grateful for the love, help and support of my beautiful husband throughout this intense journey, especially since it has affected his life as well.